I am amazed. I could not sleep at all last night, I was thinking about what I wrote and started feeling extremely guilty. I thought that what I wrote was completely selfish, and everyone didn't really need to hear my sob story. I don't want people to feel sorry for me, I just wanted you to all understand why I may be slightly detached from some of you, or why I don't respond to some things very rapidly. Mindi, if you read this one, I felt guilty the whole time I was typing this because I cannot imagine going through what you have, I don't know what it would be like to have a baby with any kind of problem.
I also just wanted to clarify, that I don't see your comments as a reflection of how you all feel about me as a person. I just think I wanted to think that more people cared about my blog, and I have just been under immense stress so I thought I would take it out on my blog.
I really appreciate all the comments you have left me. Everyone has made me feel much better, but a little sad at the same time. I wasn't looking for people to try to reassure me or feel bad for me. I feel like I told you stuff that you didn't care to hear. I am just really paranoid that you all thought my post was crazy and selfish, but all your comments have helped me feel a little bit better about me.
I guess I shouldn't say farewell completely, because in the future I may have time to pick it up again, or I may have some huge story that I really want to share. As I said, I am on facebook. I have found that it is much easier to write a sentence about what is going on. So if you are not friends with me on facebook and would like to be, I am under HOLLY LOVE CARBINE.
Thanks again to all of you for being understanding. You are all very, very sweet. And I will set a new goal to comment on all of your blogs more often!
Monday, October 26, 2009
Sunday, October 25, 2009
FAREWELL TO BLOGGING
After much consideration and a few more tries, with a heavy heart I have decided to give up blogging!
When I first started blogging, I was having so much fun doing it, but the comments weren't coming. So I was thinking, well people are just too busy to post. But after a few years of blogging I realized that it isn't that people are too busy, it is that people are just not looking at my blog. People don't care about my blog, so it is a big waste of my time.
I am going to be completely honest. This is the most honest I have ever really been.
The last couple of years have been two of the hardest I have ever had. And I know that people have things a lot worse than I do, but for what I can handle it has been difficult. We sold our home, we moved in with my in-laws. My in-laws have been absolutely wonderful to us- they have been great, but we lost a lot of independence with the move.
Two months after moving, I developed a severe ear infection that I am still battling this day. Because of that ear condition I ended up having an un-needed jaw surgery that has made things worse. My jaw is constantly popping, and it hurts when I eat, but there is nothing I can do about it. I also developed a condition called Trigeminal Neuralgia, I have nerve damage in my head. This condition is sometimes called the suicide disease because the pain is absolutely excrutiating. It truly is the most awful pain I have ever had in my life. Fortunately I am being treated for it, and the pain has subsided. But it is a chronic condition and this week I found out the ear infections are chronic and will never go away.
Jon has been going to school for the last 4 years and still has 2 to go. (He changed his major a couple times.)He also works full time. So he is really never home, and when he is, he still is not here. He is really too busy for me or the kids and it's difficult. I thought that if I went back to school it would help me feel better and not as stressed. It has helped me get out of the house, but I am not doing very well in some of my classes and it is frustrating.
Now, because of all of this, I was diagnosed with depression and put on an anti-depressant. That has helped me get through every day, honestly. I was very ashamed that I was depressed and had to be medicated for it, but that is the fact and if any one wants to judge me for it, then it is their problem, not mine.
Now, I am not trying to be negative. That is just how my life is right now. I am just being honest. I know that people have had health problems, people have had financial problems, people have been depressed, people have been single parents or close to single parents, people have been parents going to school, people have gone to school the same time as their spouses, and people just get busy. But, all of this has caused me to become extremely stressed, and I don't deal with stress well. I am seeing a counselor and she is really helping me through things, like the paranoia that people are constantly judging me.
Well, I have decided that my blog is way too much of a stressor. I have read other peoples blogs, and they always have 10 or more comments. I am lucky if I ever get 4 on mine. I did get 9 once. But obviously what I write is not important or entertaining or people don't care. If I don't have a blog, then I won't know that people don't care. Now, I know I don't always comment on everyone elses, so this may be completely hipocritical, but when someone is at 13 comments, I don't feel the need to comment because what I say is not as important as others.
I am obviously very frustrated right now. But, I decided this is the best thing for me to do right now. I am not going to waste my time even trying to go private. Nobody looks at my blog anyway, so I don't have to worry about that. I honestly think that blogging has actually been heartbreaking for me. Everything I write on it, I already know, I just thought it would be fun to share with others. So after careful consideration I would like to say farwell to blogging to the 4 of you who may look at it once in a while.
P.S. I am on facebook.
When I first started blogging, I was having so much fun doing it, but the comments weren't coming. So I was thinking, well people are just too busy to post. But after a few years of blogging I realized that it isn't that people are too busy, it is that people are just not looking at my blog. People don't care about my blog, so it is a big waste of my time.
I am going to be completely honest. This is the most honest I have ever really been.
The last couple of years have been two of the hardest I have ever had. And I know that people have things a lot worse than I do, but for what I can handle it has been difficult. We sold our home, we moved in with my in-laws. My in-laws have been absolutely wonderful to us- they have been great, but we lost a lot of independence with the move.
Two months after moving, I developed a severe ear infection that I am still battling this day. Because of that ear condition I ended up having an un-needed jaw surgery that has made things worse. My jaw is constantly popping, and it hurts when I eat, but there is nothing I can do about it. I also developed a condition called Trigeminal Neuralgia, I have nerve damage in my head. This condition is sometimes called the suicide disease because the pain is absolutely excrutiating. It truly is the most awful pain I have ever had in my life. Fortunately I am being treated for it, and the pain has subsided. But it is a chronic condition and this week I found out the ear infections are chronic and will never go away.
Jon has been going to school for the last 4 years and still has 2 to go. (He changed his major a couple times.)He also works full time. So he is really never home, and when he is, he still is not here. He is really too busy for me or the kids and it's difficult. I thought that if I went back to school it would help me feel better and not as stressed. It has helped me get out of the house, but I am not doing very well in some of my classes and it is frustrating.
Now, because of all of this, I was diagnosed with depression and put on an anti-depressant. That has helped me get through every day, honestly. I was very ashamed that I was depressed and had to be medicated for it, but that is the fact and if any one wants to judge me for it, then it is their problem, not mine.
Now, I am not trying to be negative. That is just how my life is right now. I am just being honest. I know that people have had health problems, people have had financial problems, people have been depressed, people have been single parents or close to single parents, people have been parents going to school, people have gone to school the same time as their spouses, and people just get busy. But, all of this has caused me to become extremely stressed, and I don't deal with stress well. I am seeing a counselor and she is really helping me through things, like the paranoia that people are constantly judging me.
Well, I have decided that my blog is way too much of a stressor. I have read other peoples blogs, and they always have 10 or more comments. I am lucky if I ever get 4 on mine. I did get 9 once. But obviously what I write is not important or entertaining or people don't care. If I don't have a blog, then I won't know that people don't care. Now, I know I don't always comment on everyone elses, so this may be completely hipocritical, but when someone is at 13 comments, I don't feel the need to comment because what I say is not as important as others.
I am obviously very frustrated right now. But, I decided this is the best thing for me to do right now. I am not going to waste my time even trying to go private. Nobody looks at my blog anyway, so I don't have to worry about that. I honestly think that blogging has actually been heartbreaking for me. Everything I write on it, I already know, I just thought it would be fun to share with others. So after careful consideration I would like to say farwell to blogging to the 4 of you who may look at it once in a while.
P.S. I am on facebook.
Friday, October 16, 2009
STORIES
I know I did a post just a few days ago, but I had to do another one, because I have some funny stories of my kids.
First off, on Monday night, Jon didn't have school because he had to take his test, which he took earlier that day. So, I decided to have Family Home Evening since we never do. The new Library near our house does family fun night on a Monday night every once in a while, so I thought that would be a great activity for our kids. Well, we got there and Abbie started running around and screaming and Kaylee started throwing a fit because she didn't want to do activities, she wanted to play on the kids computers. Then Abbie decided she didn't want to do the activity, and she wanted to look at books. We told them no, that we were doing the activities and they both started crying and screaming. I finally just told them we were leaving and we walked out. They screamed and cried the whole drive home. I was just thinking that was not how I pictured family home evening, but oh well.
My next story is: On Wednesdays, Jon has a Physics lab at 2:30 until 5:30, then he has class from 7:00 to 8:50. I had to take a test on Wednesday, and I didn't know how to work it out with my kids. So I asked Jon if I brought him Pizza at 5:30 if he would watch the kids while I took my test. He agreed, it was food after all. So I got there, handed over the food and the kids, and went to take my test. My test took longer than expected and I didn't finish until 6:55, and I was across campus. So I was booking it up campus to get to Jons building so I could pick up the kids so he could make it to class. As I got to the building he was standing outside with the girls and talking to his friend Dave. As soon as he saw me he went straight to class and I stood there talking to Dave for a minute. Abbie's new favorite thing at Weber State is that she has figured out how to operate the Handicap doors by pushing the button. So as I was talking to Dave, she would push the button and run in the door, then push it and run back out. She was doing this back and forth while I was talking. Well then, it was time to leave, and she realized I was going to make her go home, she ran back in, and I thought she was going to come back out. Instead, she took off down the hall. I had my hands full with their coats, the extra pizza, and a grocery bag. So I am running down the hall trying to catch her and she runs into a classroom. I noticed it was a full classroom and was dying. So I walk in to get her, and she is standing in the back corner with her nose against the wall. I heard one kid say, "she must know she is in trouble, so she is putting herself in timeout." I grabbed her, and turned around and everyone was turned around just staring at me. As I went to walk out, I looked up and Jon was standing there. I was like, "is this your class?" It was. Luckily the teacher wasn't there yet. I asked Jon if Abbie knew that was his classroom, and he said no. I was just glad she chose his. So then, he walked out to the car with me and helped me get the girls into the car.
The other day we were driving home. I was talking to Abbie as we were driving. As a reminder, Abbie is not quite 2 and a half yet. Anyway, I was talking to her and somehow she mentioned Mitchell. So I said to her, "Do you like Mitchell?" and she said, "no." and I said, "Is Mitchell your friend?" and she said, "no, Mitchell is my cousin." I just started laughing, I didn't realize she understood that. So, I asked her the same questions about Faye, and Mason, and Addisyn, which are all her cousins, and she gave the exact same responses. Only, she said she did like Addisyn.
Today I had to go run errands, and I was at Walmart, and we were walking out of the store. As you all know, Walmart has their Pumpkins outside their doors. So as we were going to the car Kaylee said, "Mom, look at all those Pumpkins." And I was just like ya that's cool. And then she said, "I wish we could get a Pumpkin, but they cost three bucks, and that's just too expensive." I was thinking how did she know they were three bucks, and I turned around and they had a sign that said $3. I thought it was funny. There was a lady in front of us that turned around and started laughing.
My kids sure make life entertaining. Even if it gets hard, they are a lot of fun!
First off, on Monday night, Jon didn't have school because he had to take his test, which he took earlier that day. So, I decided to have Family Home Evening since we never do. The new Library near our house does family fun night on a Monday night every once in a while, so I thought that would be a great activity for our kids. Well, we got there and Abbie started running around and screaming and Kaylee started throwing a fit because she didn't want to do activities, she wanted to play on the kids computers. Then Abbie decided she didn't want to do the activity, and she wanted to look at books. We told them no, that we were doing the activities and they both started crying and screaming. I finally just told them we were leaving and we walked out. They screamed and cried the whole drive home. I was just thinking that was not how I pictured family home evening, but oh well.
My next story is: On Wednesdays, Jon has a Physics lab at 2:30 until 5:30, then he has class from 7:00 to 8:50. I had to take a test on Wednesday, and I didn't know how to work it out with my kids. So I asked Jon if I brought him Pizza at 5:30 if he would watch the kids while I took my test. He agreed, it was food after all. So I got there, handed over the food and the kids, and went to take my test. My test took longer than expected and I didn't finish until 6:55, and I was across campus. So I was booking it up campus to get to Jons building so I could pick up the kids so he could make it to class. As I got to the building he was standing outside with the girls and talking to his friend Dave. As soon as he saw me he went straight to class and I stood there talking to Dave for a minute. Abbie's new favorite thing at Weber State is that she has figured out how to operate the Handicap doors by pushing the button. So as I was talking to Dave, she would push the button and run in the door, then push it and run back out. She was doing this back and forth while I was talking. Well then, it was time to leave, and she realized I was going to make her go home, she ran back in, and I thought she was going to come back out. Instead, she took off down the hall. I had my hands full with their coats, the extra pizza, and a grocery bag. So I am running down the hall trying to catch her and she runs into a classroom. I noticed it was a full classroom and was dying. So I walk in to get her, and she is standing in the back corner with her nose against the wall. I heard one kid say, "she must know she is in trouble, so she is putting herself in timeout." I grabbed her, and turned around and everyone was turned around just staring at me. As I went to walk out, I looked up and Jon was standing there. I was like, "is this your class?" It was. Luckily the teacher wasn't there yet. I asked Jon if Abbie knew that was his classroom, and he said no. I was just glad she chose his. So then, he walked out to the car with me and helped me get the girls into the car.
The other day we were driving home. I was talking to Abbie as we were driving. As a reminder, Abbie is not quite 2 and a half yet. Anyway, I was talking to her and somehow she mentioned Mitchell. So I said to her, "Do you like Mitchell?" and she said, "no." and I said, "Is Mitchell your friend?" and she said, "no, Mitchell is my cousin." I just started laughing, I didn't realize she understood that. So, I asked her the same questions about Faye, and Mason, and Addisyn, which are all her cousins, and she gave the exact same responses. Only, she said she did like Addisyn.
Today I had to go run errands, and I was at Walmart, and we were walking out of the store. As you all know, Walmart has their Pumpkins outside their doors. So as we were going to the car Kaylee said, "Mom, look at all those Pumpkins." And I was just like ya that's cool. And then she said, "I wish we could get a Pumpkin, but they cost three bucks, and that's just too expensive." I was thinking how did she know they were three bucks, and I turned around and they had a sign that said $3. I thought it was funny. There was a lady in front of us that turned around and started laughing.
My kids sure make life entertaining. Even if it gets hard, they are a lot of fun!
Monday, October 12, 2009
Whatever
Everytime I sit down to look at someone elses blog I feel guilty. I feel guilty that I don't update my blog, and I feel guilty that I never post or take pictures of my kids, and I feel guilty that other people do fun things with their kids and our kids are slightly on the back burner while Jon and I are in school. My life is so lame and boring, so I really don't know what to write on my blog. I don't want to bore the people who actually read my blog with some pathetic, sorry story of a somewhat, not-so-normal life. I don't know if I ever posted about my medical crap. I have been put on an anti-seizure medication called neurontin to stop the painful spasms in my head, and it is really working, and I feel great for the most part. School is hard, a pain in the butt, boring, confusing, etc... but fun and well worth it. I am learning so much even if I feel like I am not learning enough. The kids are loving the day care at Weber. It has been so good for them, they have so much fun and the teachers are fantastic!! Kaylee has started dance again and is loving it! She is also in preschool again and is learning so much it is crazy! She will come home and say something, and I am just shocked and ask her where she learned that and she will say preschool. It is really good for her. Kaylee loves being around other people so it is good for her with everything she does. Speaking of the day care, today Jon and I went to take the girls to day care, he was off work today for Columbus Day and had to take a test, so just came to school with me. Anyway, I was signing the girls in and Jon was helping the kids take off their coats, and one of the little girls that was in there was talking to the teacher and said, "my, mom told my dad, if you aren't good I am going to spank my wife's butt, I mean my husbands butt. Ya, she said 'I am gonna spank my husbands butt!'" Jon and I just started cracking up, and the teacher told us she hears more than she would like to on a regular basis. She also told us to be careful about what our kids see or hear because they WILL tell all. I just thought it was funny. So, anyway, watch what your kids say or hear. Anyway, I wanted to write something so I wouldn't be completely lame, but didn't know what to write, so I hope you enjoyed anyway! Have a FAB-O Day!
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