After much consideration and a few more tries, with a heavy heart I have decided to give up blogging!
When I first started blogging, I was having so much fun doing it, but the comments weren't coming. So I was thinking, well people are just too busy to post. But after a few years of blogging I realized that it isn't that people are too busy, it is that people are just not looking at my blog. People don't care about my blog, so it is a big waste of my time.
I am going to be completely honest. This is the most honest I have ever really been.
The last couple of years have been two of the hardest I have ever had. And I know that people have things a lot worse than I do, but for what I can handle it has been difficult. We sold our home, we moved in with my in-laws. My in-laws have been absolutely wonderful to us- they have been great, but we lost a lot of independence with the move.
Two months after moving, I developed a severe ear infection that I am still battling this day. Because of that ear condition I ended up having an un-needed jaw surgery that has made things worse. My jaw is constantly popping, and it hurts when I eat, but there is nothing I can do about it. I also developed a condition called Trigeminal Neuralgia, I have nerve damage in my head. This condition is sometimes called the suicide disease because the pain is absolutely excrutiating. It truly is the most awful pain I have ever had in my life. Fortunately I am being treated for it, and the pain has subsided. But it is a chronic condition and this week I found out the ear infections are chronic and will never go away.
Jon has been going to school for the last 4 years and still has 2 to go. (He changed his major a couple times.)He also works full time. So he is really never home, and when he is, he still is not here. He is really too busy for me or the kids and it's difficult. I thought that if I went back to school it would help me feel better and not as stressed. It has helped me get out of the house, but I am not doing very well in some of my classes and it is frustrating.
Now, because of all of this, I was diagnosed with depression and put on an anti-depressant. That has helped me get through every day, honestly. I was very ashamed that I was depressed and had to be medicated for it, but that is the fact and if any one wants to judge me for it, then it is their problem, not mine.
Now, I am not trying to be negative. That is just how my life is right now. I am just being honest. I know that people have had health problems, people have had financial problems, people have been depressed, people have been single parents or close to single parents, people have been parents going to school, people have gone to school the same time as their spouses, and people just get busy. But, all of this has caused me to become extremely stressed, and I don't deal with stress well. I am seeing a counselor and she is really helping me through things, like the paranoia that people are constantly judging me.
Well, I have decided that my blog is way too much of a stressor. I have read other peoples blogs, and they always have 10 or more comments. I am lucky if I ever get 4 on mine. I did get 9 once. But obviously what I write is not important or entertaining or people don't care. If I don't have a blog, then I won't know that people don't care. Now, I know I don't always comment on everyone elses, so this may be completely hipocritical, but when someone is at 13 comments, I don't feel the need to comment because what I say is not as important as others.
I am obviously very frustrated right now. But, I decided this is the best thing for me to do right now. I am not going to waste my time even trying to go private. Nobody looks at my blog anyway, so I don't have to worry about that. I honestly think that blogging has actually been heartbreaking for me. Everything I write on it, I already know, I just thought it would be fun to share with others. So after careful consideration I would like to say farwell to blogging to the 4 of you who may look at it once in a while.
P.S. I am on facebook.
11 comments:
I'm so sad and sorry. I read your blog whenever there is a new post. I don't comment very much, on anyones blogs, i guess i should. I know that people are to busy for blogging, i have noticed a tremendous decrease in my blog followers since facebook has became popular, and honestly, that is where i go most the time as well. I keep a blog for journaling purposes only and if they want to read, great, but if not, i am just doing it for my own reasons, not for anyone elses. I am sorry you are struggling, i will add you as a friend on facebook and keep in better touch there! I am kind of out of the ward loop because Libbi can't go to church til spring. I am not in-active, just trying to keep my baby healthy!! Kurt is in YM and teaches alot so he goes over me. Please let me know if i can do anything for you, i know life can get hard and overwhelming, i've been there. Even before Libbi i had struggles, so don't be ashamed, just keep trying, that's all you can do! Please call if you ever need anything :) :)
Sweet Holly...this makes me sad. I know we aren't the closest but I feel like we kinda grew up together. I know how much Stacey loves you and I can't help but love you too. You are truly one of the sweetest girls I have ever met. I am so impressed with your honesty, I think we all have these demons we are faced with. Trust me, mine are there...I just am not brave enough to put them out there. I know all about the comment thing, in the begining I kinda cared about how many I got but then I decided that this was for me and my journal and I didn't care. That helped. Anyways, just so you know....you have been on my mind often. I always think of you after your posts and am truly sorry for all you have been dealing with these last two years. For what it is worth I care. I love ya, truly I do. Let me know if I can ever do anything, watch the girls, take you out for a girls night. With Stacey away, I can be your sister/friend. Love you, hang in there.
So it made me curious so i went and looked at both my blogs, our family one and Libbi's, and there isn't one post with more than 5 comments on there in the last little while. Most of them are 0,
1,or 2. Don't get down over that, it really doesn't mean a thing i promise :)
Holly, this is heart breaking. I love checking your blog! I agree though, sometimes I wonder why we waste our time with things like this. Just know that I don't judge you. I look up to you. You are an amazing mom, wife, friend, cousin...etc.etc. I don't know how you do the things you do. Do you want me to make some more chicken roll ups???? I will! I too have been seeing a counselor. It felt so GREAT to finally talk to someone about the feelings I was having...know you are not alone. Can I help in any way?
Oh Holly, I am so SORRY that you are feeling this way. I have always told you over and over again how strong you are!! I could NEVER go through the things you have gone through, and are now going through!! I couldn't be in all the pain you are in and start going to school, raising two kids, cleaning, feeding, and taking care of a family!! You seriously create miracles day to day! I cannot tell you how sad I feel whenever I have heard about your pain with your jaw, ears, and your allergies! I'm so sorry you've had to go through such a hard times. But I must say there is NOTHING WRONG with being on depression meds...EVERYONE is on depression meds, I've been on them before. My mom's on them. My husbands on them....my dad should be on them. If it makes you feel better then there is NOTHING wrong with it!
I'm sorry to hear that you are giving up blogging. I do try and check everyday to see if anyone has posted, but I tend to miss some once in awhile, but I do try and comment when I read new posts. I think I LITERALLY have 3 people that read my blog, but like the comments before me have said...I blog for myself. I have just recently created my blog from 2008 into a book, and I am going to continue creating my blog books for the years to come, as my own families journal. I really think you should do the same. I do care about what you are doing, I do think of you often, and I do hope that you continue to blog for your own benefit.
P.S. We REALLY need a girls night out!!
Holly this makes me sad too. I feel like most people probably feel the same way about blogging, I am constantly feeling stress about it not so much about the comments but like maybe I will say something to offend someone. I too look at your blog often, I am sorry if I don't comment on it all the time, I have tried cutting back on commenting because it was taking too much of my time but I do read it. I hope you start feeling better soon about life, I know what it is like to feel like you are kinda of in a rut with Eric gone all last year I pretty much felt like that all the time. I will miss you in the blogging world, but I think it is a good decision on your part you need to cut out unnecessary stresses and blogging is certainly that.
Oh Holly I was thinking about one more thing maybe it will help. I have noticed that the more you comment on others blogs the more comments you get on your own which is silly but I think it's true. I have noticed a huge drop in my comments since I decided to cut back on commenting. At first it bothered me, but then I realized the blog was really for those who wanted to read it and loved me and my family the most and really i just plain love the memories and happiness it brings me to write out families history and the comments just stopped mattering so much. I hope that helps a little....
Holly, I feel so bad. I'm not the best at commenting but I do check your blog and it's fun to read your posts! I think you're amazing! You do more than I could ever even imagine doing. I'm always worried about what other people think too and it drives me crazy. I do think that we are more critical of ourselves than other people are of us though. After I had Emmy I had PPD and it was awful. I just wanted to be happy but it was like I couldn't and didn't know how to be. Some days are still like that and it's hard. You are amazing though because you deal with so much and you're still a wonderful mom! Please call if you need help or you want to go out! I would love to hang out with you! :)
Wow, Holly - this is really powerful! First off, I'm so sorry about everything that you've had to go through these past couple of years. Let me tell you this: you are one TOUGH cookie - for handling it all, WITH two kids. So props to you. Secondly, I didn't realize that everyone was sensitive about getting comments, I thought it was just me. I'm not a super devout blogger, but I have increased my blogging activity since getting married and I still struggle with feeling unimportant when people don't comment. Especially, like you said when others get so many! How do they do that? I will never know.. but I've come to terms with it and really I'm doing it for me anyway and if anyone happens to see it then great, if they happen to comment then wonderful! I think what really opened my eyes to how many people were looking but not commenting was when I added the traffic feed - I thought wow! You stopped by, but didn't comment? Well, I don't always comment - and I'm sorry :0( I agree with Jenny though, I've noticed the more I comment on others the more I get comments. Either way, stay strong - do what you have to do for yourself :0)
Oh Yeah! Check it out! I just broke your record. You said the most comments you've gotten was 9 and I'm 10. Not that you needed any confirmation that I am your favorite but if you did here it is. Holly we love you and think you are awesome. Faye talks to you on her pretend phone all the time. If the blog stresses you out...dump it. But don't dump it because you think people don't care about you. I always read it but occasionally comment. I hope you can find a groove for yourself to step into and not feel like life is so crazy. We will do anything we can to help, let us know. Maybe a move to Texas would help?
Oh Holly, you sound exactly like me a little while ago. Okay I'll be honest, you sound like me off and on for the last 9 years. And here is where I feel horrible....I have been thinking of you a lot for the last few months. I will think I should call her, or email her, and then I just get busy and I don't. I am really sorry for that. And I am also sorry that I haven't read your blog except just sporadically. I have definitely felt how you do in the past, and still do sometimes. Almost nobody I know in real life reads my blog, and I think of all my family on both sides basically only my sister reads it. And I'll be honest, it still hurts sometimes. But for me writing is a release, and a place to be myself, so I have only stuck with it because I do it for me. And I know what you mean about leaving comments on blogs that have a ton. I've actually considered just turning off my comments.
Anyway, this is the longest comment of all time. But I want you to know that I love you and look up to you. I LOVE reading your blog! I want to be your friend. I have felt the things you're feeling (except for the excruciating pain!) and I totally know where you are coming from! It took me a long time to stop perceiving that people were judging me. And since I've stopped (for the most part) I've realized that they really don't judge me. And if they do, I don't know about it so I don't care. Like you said, it is then their problem, not yours.
Anyway, please know that I love you and that I am here. It's sometimes hard for me to open up and then when I only see you with everyone else it's nuts. But I want you to know that I am here. So please ask if I can ever do anything for you.
Love, Sharla
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